Shaken or Stirred?

So here I sit thinking about all the things I am getting ready to change, wondering if I am up to the challenge of a huge life shake up, wondering even more if the people around me are ready for the change. My mind is spinning I am trying to figure out if I have bitten off too much or if the time to be authentic has come. I hate this word, authentic; it seems so inauthentic.   Authentic aren’t we all, then again maybe we are not. I am who I always have been, someone recently told me you are great, stop trying to change yourself and just be you. This made me stop and wonder am I trying to change myself or am I growing? 

I have the pleasure to work with children that don’t live with me. I find this rather fascinating.  I see them every week yet every week there is a change that if I lived with them might go unnoticed. There is this one little girl who doesn’t talk a lot but recently she has found her voice. All of the sudden she is able to express her thoughts to those around her. It seems so simple yet it contains magic. A magic that I think as adults we have forgot exists, the ability to find new words to describe us or the things that surround us.

So this is where I am, I am finding new words, I am not changing but rather expanding my vocabulary. The old words no longer work, they are far too simple to explain my thoughts and define who I am. These new words don’t roll off my tongue as easy. Prime example “no”, this word seems to get stuck in my throat and before I know it “yes” slips out of my lips. I am left with my mouth hanging open, wondering who just spoke, shocked to find out that “YES” came out of my mouth, wondering where the “NO” went.

So in the days to come I will be sharing my list of things that are part of this life shake up, and in the months ahead I will let you know if life is better shaken or stirred.

The Traveling Bra's Attempt To Workout

Part of the plan for my new year is to get my body physically strong.  You can only imagine my surprise when I walked outside and saw this!

I don’t know what this bra is thinking but if it is going to make the trip from my dresser the workout machine the least it could do was clean it up so that I could actually work out.  I am currently distressed about what would happen should this bra ever get its cups on a passport.

My Baby Is 8 Today

Eli is 8 today wow where has the time gone. When I was younger I often found myself asking when the time will pass. Now, I find myself asking time to please be kind and slow down. I also use to love the kiddos birthday now I find myself a little remorse. Silly I know, maybe it is because I have Ash and I am always aware at how fast the time went and in just a few months she will be 18. So while every birthday is a celebration it is also a glaring reminder that my babies are growing up and will not be my babies forever. Eli is the last little soul to have lived in my body and today I am finding this rather sad.
As each birthday approaches I am reminded that Eli is growing up and some of my favorite things like Eli sleeping with us will soon stop. Did I just hear a gasp? Are you shocked? Here’s another shocking fact, on a rare full moon when the stars align just right we are blessed to have all three in bed with us. I am blessed immensely that I have a husband who enjoys this as much as I do. Now, I will admit that as the years have passed my back complains a little more than before, that is when I tell it to suck it up and pop another Advil. We agreed after reading an amazing parenting book by Dr. Sears when Joe was little that we were going to do attachment parenting. We had been doing most of this with Ash but it wasn’t until we read this book did we feel totally justified. Plus, as we watched many of our friends get married and start having kids it seemed to us there was very little thought going into. It was like it was something that was the “thing” to do. They weren’t bad parents but to be honest their lives didn’t seem to center on their kids. Their kids seemed to be an accessory to their life, not the purpose of it. I agree we need to do things for ourselves occasionally but in my not so humble opinion it should be the exception not the rule. My kids are not accessories they are beautiful, amazing, loving souls that choose Eric and I to be their parents. I am honored and blessed and I don’t’ take that lightly. So needless to say we will continue to sleep with Eli until he says he doesn’t want to anymore. I am sure when that day comes it will be posted here and huge glasses of wine will be involved. As for you shaking your head wondering what about… go ahead say it, SEX! Well, let’s just say that there is nothing as exciting as finding new and interesting places. It has lost none of the appeal that it held 18 years ago.
As for me I skipped today. Something I haven’t done in awhile but was rather fun. Tonight when I go to bed I will close my eyes thank G*d for my son and for a husband who also believes his children are not an accessories but rather little souls that let us love them.

A Little Bit Of Truth

So here it is here is an ugly truth that just may make most of you squirm and never return to read the words that grace this blog, I HATE PATRIOTIC HOLIDAYS! I don’t care which one it is I hate all of them, Veterans Day, Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Flag Day, have I missed any? I know how can I be a good American when I hate all of these days? How can I be the good wife, daughter, aunt, granddaughter, and friend to all those that I love that are veterans? I don’t know maybe I can’t, that is why I carefully put my patriotic mask while choking back the vomit that burns my throat and put cute little things on my Facebook, cook my husband a good dinner, that is except here. Here is my truth box, my place to be me, love me or hate me this is where you will find out who I really am.
Why do I hate this all of these “good American” holidays? Here I go being truthful; I don’t think America is that great. It is better than some but not as good as others. When I find myself looking around I honestly get pissed. For those of you, who don’t know my nephew Seth, died in Iraq almost 3 years ago and no offense to anyone and I know he probably wouldn’t agree with me but this country wasn’t worth his life. It isn’t worth the pain, tears, and rage that we were left with. Are we getting better sure but I don’t think I will ever think that the cost of mine or anyone else’s freedom was worth that price. It was too high. So there it is, my nasty little secret.
This blog is me sharing my search for all things that glitter hard to do when you feel like the oxygen is being sucked out of the atmosphere. This leaves me in quite the dilemma how am I going to find that damn glitter. This is how: I ask my brother if I can borrow his car. I take my hair out of its bun, I roll down the windows, put the sunroof down, find the craziest music I can turn the radio up so high I risk permanent hearing lose and ask Seth if he wants to go for a ride. Then I pull out oh so carefully look around and gun it. Cruising up the coast at 70mph, wind whipping through my hair, doing my best impression of Speed Racer
My mask will still be there tonight but it won’t feel like it is on fire, for the memory of the wind rushing through my hair at 70mph, crazy music, an unseen guest, and for once telling someone, anyone who should stop by that I HATE THESE PATRIOTIC HOLIDAYS means that I was me the good the bad and the ugly. If this makes me a bad American then so be it Seth still died for me and I am still lovable. Now, how the hell do I get the knots out of my hair?

Never Leave The House Without Looking Down!

Well the original plan of spending the day playing in mud puddles changed when the heavens started to rumble and the sky lit up like the fourth of July. Becoming a crunchy Michelle was not part of the plan of finding my joy. Instead I tried to find something that would be fun without risking my life. It took shape in the form of a phone call, a few minutes okay truth be told a couple of hours of listening to one of my favorite sounds, my best friend’s voice on the other end of the phone. So few people know me as she does, it is always nice to return to the safety of our crazy, fun, loving, bra traveling friendship. She has this innate ability to make me forget all the stupid things that like to take up space in my mind.
This leads me to the funniest part of my day, taking Ash to work. I stayed on the phone till the second I had to walk out the door. As I am leaving Iain informs me there is no way to get the fire going with the wood we have so I need to stop and pick up kindling. So I jump in the car as fast as I can, so I can deliver Ash to work, get the kindling, all so I can get my butt home so I can call her back and finish our conversation and find my sanity for the upcoming week. It is only as I am casually walking through IGA wondering if there is something fun I should buy since I am here, when I look DOWN! You can only imagine my horror as I realized I had left the house in my paint stained sweatpants, my favorite Uggs, that just so happen to have holes in the toes, my two sizes too big Eeyore sweatshirt, my hair thrown up in a bun, no makeup on and are your ready for this ~ no underwear or BRA! In the rush to get back to my conversation with one of my favorite people I just rushed out the door. As the blood starts to return to my bone white skin I start to panic, I am not much of a praying girl but at this moment not only was I praying I was begging God to please let me get the kindling paid for and get back out to my car without anyone I know seeing me.
It was only once I was safely in my car that I started to laugh not one of those cute little chuckles no this was one of those omg I am going to pee myself kind of laughs. My plan to regain joy today was to play in mud puddles but as with most things in life the universe had another lesson in mind. To truly find joy you have to throw off all the constraints you place on yourself. You have to be willing to get rid of your pride. My boys have never said, wait mom let me get something more pleasing to the eye on before we go to the store; you never know who I will run into. Nope hasn’t happened, they want to get there, get what I need, and get back to what really makes them happy and that would be playing with their friend. I think the next time I start to argue with them about their choice in clothing I will remember today. For today there was nothing more important than getting back home so I could play with my friend, even if it meant risking public humiliation.

In Search of Joy

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So today is day one on the search for joy, how am I feeling? Shocked actually, when did I forget to play? How does one forget to play? Kids do it all the time, they will be sitting on a newly vacuumed floor; when all of the sudden their fingers start to dance across the carpet drawing in lines and shapes and before you know it a piece of art work that rivals the early works of Picasso is drawn on my floor and 30 minutes have flown by. What have I done during that 30 minutes… picked up the kitchen for the 100^th time and walked by them thinking great the lines in the carpet are messed up, couldn’t the house stay clean for 20 minutes!

To be honest I am mostly scared what if I lost it, that unnamed thing that allows children the ability to play, what if I can’t find it? What if years of being the “good wife and mother” sucked it out of me? What if I fail? I keep hoping that even if I do fail I will have learned something of value. Reforming a Type A girl is never easy or painless.

I am not sure quite where I lost the ability to lose myself in moments of pleasure. Did it happen when I was a kid and was told I needed to sit and be quite? Did it happen as a teenager, sitting in a group of my peers judging someone else? Did it happen on the day I discovered I was pregnant at 16? I am sure it is a web made up of all these, however I am personally leaning to getting pregnant and then married at 16. I was so concerned with doing it right, not letting anyone down anymore than I already had, and for god’s sake not messing up this beautiful little soul, I forgot how to play. Yes of course, I have played with all of my kids for hours on end, so you may ask well that was fun right? Why of course but it is also something good mothers do, another chore amongst the list of chores. Do you get where I am going, there is a difference between doing something because you have to and doing something just because it is fun and you want to.

On with the point, I have been on a journey of self discovery for the last three years. Lots of lessons, tears and hard work, however letting go and playing now this may be the hardest lesson to date. I am sure that it will start with a to do list, what good mom doesn’t have to do lists, but I am hoping that the fun is like a muscle the more I practice the easier it will get and after all I have 2 little souls that are more than willing to help me with this part.

Why am I blogging this? Well because I like to write it is healing, most of the time effortless, and a barrel of monkeys kind of fun. It is fun I rarely do it because I get caught up with the judgment of how it should be, where the colon goes, should a period be here or should I use a comma instead, all the rules. I am always getting stuck in the rules. Now, for both of our sakes I will try to not make huge errors when blogging but I am learning to have fun. When I was a kid I could sit and write stories for hours with no care in the world of fragmented sentences and misplacement of punctuation so if you are looking for grammatically correct writing stop and exit. This is my place to rediscover my passions and to share my little lessons in joy. Please forgive all my little/big mistakes. You might even find yourself laughing that while soaking wet I mistyped and said something totally archaic and wrong.

As for the fun today….the sky looks a little cloudy with a chance of rain, maybe mud puddles will be where I start today?