My 2011 Wish List!

What do I wish for the New Year?  Ha not patience, strength or any of that crazy stuff that led us to ask the eternal question of what the hell was I thinking asking for that.  I think G*d must chuckle when he hears us ask for these things then hears us say why me???  Cause you asked, silly.  So I am done with those things.

So here is my crazy list of things I want in 2011!

I WANT….

To be 100lbs

My boobs to defy gravity

Cupcakes to miraculously show up whenever I have a craving 

The teeth I lost to grow back

The stamina I had at 16

To be a dancing queen without broken bones

My house to stay clean for more than 5 minutes

A new car okay I mean used new to me car

A dishwasher I don’t have to trick with resetting and use magic to get to work. BTW magic is not a dependable way to wash dishes just in case you were wondering

My bathtub to drain and not into Ashlin’s room

Wrinkles to be the new ”IN” thing

New linoleum that you clean and it looks clean

Shoes lots and lots of shoes

The Douche to stop being a douche

More Garfunkel and Oates videos

My furnace to work all the time not just sometimes

Wood floors

A magic mirror 

My kitchen fully painted and finished

The wisdom of the Grasshopper

A sitting place in my sitting room

The money my husband worked his ass off for but that his boss didn’t feel like paying

People to remember where they came from

Hone my sarcasm skills

My skin to be a little darker

My hips to move like Shakira

No more little presents from the pets

Other people to pick up said little presents

And last but not least I want…..

Kim Kardashian's ASS!!!

Happy New Year!!!

May the coming year bring you all the things you want!  ;)

Learning To Trust

Let me apologize in advance for being such an inconsistent blogger. My only excuse is life, it is too busy. So with that said let me start once again.

Ash is going to Haiti. There are so many emotions that are running around in my head with this. Pride, joy, fear, excitement, and fear did I say that one already?  I find I am usually at peace with the decision to support her in her life dream of going and being of service, until I start to think maybe I am at too much peace, maybe I am in denial.  All the what if’s start floating around in the sea of my mind.  If she had been going 4 years ago my feelings would have been much different. I would have said I have prayed the blood of Jesus over her, bound up evil and felt total peace that she would be supernaturally protected.  That was before I prayed those things over Seth and he still died.  It is hard when your nice little security blanket is exposed in the light of day and you find out that it is full of holes.  Holes that in the dark of night you cannot see, leaving you wishing the daylight had never arrived. So I am left with trying to define a new kind of faith. The kind of faith that accepts that there are things in the world that all the prayers in the world cannot protect you from.  Bad things still happen no matter how you pray or even how often.  

So, how do I let my child leave the safety of my home to go to a foreign country where sickness, death, and social unrest are the norm? Where now American Airlines has temporarily stopped flights due to the unrest?  I trust, I trust in her, in her judgment, her heart, and in God.  That no matter what happens she is doing exactly what she is suppose to be doing, that she is learning the lessons that she was sent here to learn. I trust that even if the unspeakable happens she will not be alone.  While my beliefs have changed a lot over the years, the one thing that has never changed is that I do not believe death is the end. I do believe that to die is just to transform to leave behind a shell and that the spirit lives on. I do believe that the spirits of those that have left before us are still among us protecting and guiding us.  I do believe that Seth will go to Haiti with Ash. I do believe he has been orchestrating this trip from the other side.  I do believe Jade will go to Haiti with Ash. Two incredibly strong men who LOVED my daughter will go with her and be with her while she is there. That while she cannot see them she will never be alone no matter what happens.  That is how I am going to do this, how I am going to release her to the unknown.  At Ashlin’s graduation I talked about how she has never belonged to me, she was only loaned to me while she was young.  That she always has and always will belong to God. I released her to her destiny. This is good in theory but much harder to actually do.  After all for nine months she lived in my body, was protected by my body, and nourished by my body.

I do believe that no matter where this life takes her that there will always be an invisible cord connecting us. A cord that neither time nor space, nor life or death, nor happiness, nor sadness, where nothing absolutely nothing could ever separate us. 

And at the end of a long day, when I am scared and tired all I need to only look in her eyes and ask her to tell me again why do you want to go to Haiti? It is in this moment when her eyes will start to twinkle, a grin will pass her lips and her love for people she has never met will be so great that it is palpable, and she will tell me again why. The words that she says will be lost in the love she is exuding, and I will be reminded why she is doing this. This soul has only been loaned to me, to be loved by this beautiful soul has been one of the greatest gifts of my life, and how could I not share her with others. How sad would it be to lock all that love up in the safety of my arms and never share it?  I have to trust that at the end of this adventure she will come home to the safety of my arms, to cuddle up on the couch telling me about all the people she has met, and to tell me the names of the people she loves in Haiti.  I will then close my eyes to sleep knowing that I am learning to trust, trust in something bigger than me, that I am learning to pray again, and that I can rest for that night because the people I love the most will be once again under the same roof, covered in the blanket of my love.

Shaken or Stirred?

So here I sit thinking about all the things I am getting ready to change, wondering if I am up to the challenge of a huge life shake up, wondering even more if the people around me are ready for the change. My mind is spinning I am trying to figure out if I have bitten off too much or if the time to be authentic has come. I hate this word, authentic; it seems so inauthentic.   Authentic aren’t we all, then again maybe we are not. I am who I always have been, someone recently told me you are great, stop trying to change yourself and just be you. This made me stop and wonder am I trying to change myself or am I growing? 

I have the pleasure to work with children that don’t live with me. I find this rather fascinating.  I see them every week yet every week there is a change that if I lived with them might go unnoticed. There is this one little girl who doesn’t talk a lot but recently she has found her voice. All of the sudden she is able to express her thoughts to those around her. It seems so simple yet it contains magic. A magic that I think as adults we have forgot exists, the ability to find new words to describe us or the things that surround us.

So this is where I am, I am finding new words, I am not changing but rather expanding my vocabulary. The old words no longer work, they are far too simple to explain my thoughts and define who I am. These new words don’t roll off my tongue as easy. Prime example “no”, this word seems to get stuck in my throat and before I know it “yes” slips out of my lips. I am left with my mouth hanging open, wondering who just spoke, shocked to find out that “YES” came out of my mouth, wondering where the “NO” went.

So in the days to come I will be sharing my list of things that are part of this life shake up, and in the months ahead I will let you know if life is better shaken or stirred.

The Traveling Bra's Attempt To Workout

Part of the plan for my new year is to get my body physically strong.  You can only imagine my surprise when I walked outside and saw this!

I don’t know what this bra is thinking but if it is going to make the trip from my dresser the workout machine the least it could do was clean it up so that I could actually work out.  I am currently distressed about what would happen should this bra ever get its cups on a passport.

My Baby Is 8 Today

Eli is 8 today wow where has the time gone. When I was younger I often found myself asking when the time will pass. Now, I find myself asking time to please be kind and slow down. I also use to love the kiddos birthday now I find myself a little remorse. Silly I know, maybe it is because I have Ash and I am always aware at how fast the time went and in just a few months she will be 18. So while every birthday is a celebration it is also a glaring reminder that my babies are growing up and will not be my babies forever. Eli is the last little soul to have lived in my body and today I am finding this rather sad.
As each birthday approaches I am reminded that Eli is growing up and some of my favorite things like Eli sleeping with us will soon stop. Did I just hear a gasp? Are you shocked? Here’s another shocking fact, on a rare full moon when the stars align just right we are blessed to have all three in bed with us. I am blessed immensely that I have a husband who enjoys this as much as I do. Now, I will admit that as the years have passed my back complains a little more than before, that is when I tell it to suck it up and pop another Advil. We agreed after reading an amazing parenting book by Dr. Sears when Joe was little that we were going to do attachment parenting. We had been doing most of this with Ash but it wasn’t until we read this book did we feel totally justified. Plus, as we watched many of our friends get married and start having kids it seemed to us there was very little thought going into. It was like it was something that was the “thing” to do. They weren’t bad parents but to be honest their lives didn’t seem to center on their kids. Their kids seemed to be an accessory to their life, not the purpose of it. I agree we need to do things for ourselves occasionally but in my not so humble opinion it should be the exception not the rule. My kids are not accessories they are beautiful, amazing, loving souls that choose Eric and I to be their parents. I am honored and blessed and I don’t’ take that lightly. So needless to say we will continue to sleep with Eli until he says he doesn’t want to anymore. I am sure when that day comes it will be posted here and huge glasses of wine will be involved. As for you shaking your head wondering what about… go ahead say it, SEX! Well, let’s just say that there is nothing as exciting as finding new and interesting places. It has lost none of the appeal that it held 18 years ago.
As for me I skipped today. Something I haven’t done in awhile but was rather fun. Tonight when I go to bed I will close my eyes thank G*d for my son and for a husband who also believes his children are not an accessories but rather little souls that let us love them.

A Little Bit Of Truth

So here it is here is an ugly truth that just may make most of you squirm and never return to read the words that grace this blog, I HATE PATRIOTIC HOLIDAYS! I don’t care which one it is I hate all of them, Veterans Day, Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Flag Day, have I missed any? I know how can I be a good American when I hate all of these days? How can I be the good wife, daughter, aunt, granddaughter, and friend to all those that I love that are veterans? I don’t know maybe I can’t, that is why I carefully put my patriotic mask while choking back the vomit that burns my throat and put cute little things on my Facebook, cook my husband a good dinner, that is except here. Here is my truth box, my place to be me, love me or hate me this is where you will find out who I really am.
Why do I hate this all of these “good American” holidays? Here I go being truthful; I don’t think America is that great. It is better than some but not as good as others. When I find myself looking around I honestly get pissed. For those of you, who don’t know my nephew Seth, died in Iraq almost 3 years ago and no offense to anyone and I know he probably wouldn’t agree with me but this country wasn’t worth his life. It isn’t worth the pain, tears, and rage that we were left with. Are we getting better sure but I don’t think I will ever think that the cost of mine or anyone else’s freedom was worth that price. It was too high. So there it is, my nasty little secret.
This blog is me sharing my search for all things that glitter hard to do when you feel like the oxygen is being sucked out of the atmosphere. This leaves me in quite the dilemma how am I going to find that damn glitter. This is how: I ask my brother if I can borrow his car. I take my hair out of its bun, I roll down the windows, put the sunroof down, find the craziest music I can turn the radio up so high I risk permanent hearing lose and ask Seth if he wants to go for a ride. Then I pull out oh so carefully look around and gun it. Cruising up the coast at 70mph, wind whipping through my hair, doing my best impression of Speed Racer
My mask will still be there tonight but it won’t feel like it is on fire, for the memory of the wind rushing through my hair at 70mph, crazy music, an unseen guest, and for once telling someone, anyone who should stop by that I HATE THESE PATRIOTIC HOLIDAYS means that I was me the good the bad and the ugly. If this makes me a bad American then so be it Seth still died for me and I am still lovable. Now, how the hell do I get the knots out of my hair?

Never Leave The House Without Looking Down!

Well the original plan of spending the day playing in mud puddles changed when the heavens started to rumble and the sky lit up like the fourth of July. Becoming a crunchy Michelle was not part of the plan of finding my joy. Instead I tried to find something that would be fun without risking my life. It took shape in the form of a phone call, a few minutes okay truth be told a couple of hours of listening to one of my favorite sounds, my best friend’s voice on the other end of the phone. So few people know me as she does, it is always nice to return to the safety of our crazy, fun, loving, bra traveling friendship. She has this innate ability to make me forget all the stupid things that like to take up space in my mind.
This leads me to the funniest part of my day, taking Ash to work. I stayed on the phone till the second I had to walk out the door. As I am leaving Iain informs me there is no way to get the fire going with the wood we have so I need to stop and pick up kindling. So I jump in the car as fast as I can, so I can deliver Ash to work, get the kindling, all so I can get my butt home so I can call her back and finish our conversation and find my sanity for the upcoming week. It is only as I am casually walking through IGA wondering if there is something fun I should buy since I am here, when I look DOWN! You can only imagine my horror as I realized I had left the house in my paint stained sweatpants, my favorite Uggs, that just so happen to have holes in the toes, my two sizes too big Eeyore sweatshirt, my hair thrown up in a bun, no makeup on and are your ready for this ~ no underwear or BRA! In the rush to get back to my conversation with one of my favorite people I just rushed out the door. As the blood starts to return to my bone white skin I start to panic, I am not much of a praying girl but at this moment not only was I praying I was begging God to please let me get the kindling paid for and get back out to my car without anyone I know seeing me.
It was only once I was safely in my car that I started to laugh not one of those cute little chuckles no this was one of those omg I am going to pee myself kind of laughs. My plan to regain joy today was to play in mud puddles but as with most things in life the universe had another lesson in mind. To truly find joy you have to throw off all the constraints you place on yourself. You have to be willing to get rid of your pride. My boys have never said, wait mom let me get something more pleasing to the eye on before we go to the store; you never know who I will run into. Nope hasn’t happened, they want to get there, get what I need, and get back to what really makes them happy and that would be playing with their friend. I think the next time I start to argue with them about their choice in clothing I will remember today. For today there was nothing more important than getting back home so I could play with my friend, even if it meant risking public humiliation.