Learning To Trust

Let me apologize in advance for being such an inconsistent blogger. My only excuse is life, it is too busy. So with that said let me start once again.

Ash is going to Haiti. There are so many emotions that are running around in my head with this. Pride, joy, fear, excitement, and fear did I say that one already?  I find I am usually at peace with the decision to support her in her life dream of going and being of service, until I start to think maybe I am at too much peace, maybe I am in denial.  All the what if’s start floating around in the sea of my mind.  If she had been going 4 years ago my feelings would have been much different. I would have said I have prayed the blood of Jesus over her, bound up evil and felt total peace that she would be supernaturally protected.  That was before I prayed those things over Seth and he still died.  It is hard when your nice little security blanket is exposed in the light of day and you find out that it is full of holes.  Holes that in the dark of night you cannot see, leaving you wishing the daylight had never arrived. So I am left with trying to define a new kind of faith. The kind of faith that accepts that there are things in the world that all the prayers in the world cannot protect you from.  Bad things still happen no matter how you pray or even how often.  

So, how do I let my child leave the safety of my home to go to a foreign country where sickness, death, and social unrest are the norm? Where now American Airlines has temporarily stopped flights due to the unrest?  I trust, I trust in her, in her judgment, her heart, and in God.  That no matter what happens she is doing exactly what she is suppose to be doing, that she is learning the lessons that she was sent here to learn. I trust that even if the unspeakable happens she will not be alone.  While my beliefs have changed a lot over the years, the one thing that has never changed is that I do not believe death is the end. I do believe that to die is just to transform to leave behind a shell and that the spirit lives on. I do believe that the spirits of those that have left before us are still among us protecting and guiding us.  I do believe that Seth will go to Haiti with Ash. I do believe he has been orchestrating this trip from the other side.  I do believe Jade will go to Haiti with Ash. Two incredibly strong men who LOVED my daughter will go with her and be with her while she is there. That while she cannot see them she will never be alone no matter what happens.  That is how I am going to do this, how I am going to release her to the unknown.  At Ashlin’s graduation I talked about how she has never belonged to me, she was only loaned to me while she was young.  That she always has and always will belong to God. I released her to her destiny. This is good in theory but much harder to actually do.  After all for nine months she lived in my body, was protected by my body, and nourished by my body.

I do believe that no matter where this life takes her that there will always be an invisible cord connecting us. A cord that neither time nor space, nor life or death, nor happiness, nor sadness, where nothing absolutely nothing could ever separate us. 

And at the end of a long day, when I am scared and tired all I need to only look in her eyes and ask her to tell me again why do you want to go to Haiti? It is in this moment when her eyes will start to twinkle, a grin will pass her lips and her love for people she has never met will be so great that it is palpable, and she will tell me again why. The words that she says will be lost in the love she is exuding, and I will be reminded why she is doing this. This soul has only been loaned to me, to be loved by this beautiful soul has been one of the greatest gifts of my life, and how could I not share her with others. How sad would it be to lock all that love up in the safety of my arms and never share it?  I have to trust that at the end of this adventure she will come home to the safety of my arms, to cuddle up on the couch telling me about all the people she has met, and to tell me the names of the people she loves in Haiti.  I will then close my eyes to sleep knowing that I am learning to trust, trust in something bigger than me, that I am learning to pray again, and that I can rest for that night because the people I love the most will be once again under the same roof, covered in the blanket of my love.